“Expert” Tips from IGNITE’s Dating Coach

When I think of a coach, my mind automatically takes me to some sports venue, like the volleyball court or a soccer field. It certainly does not turn to the world of dating and relationships. However, despite my once firm notion of what a coach is, professional matchmakers have adopted the title in order to offer date coaching services to their clients. Think this sounds hokey? I did at first, until I realized I have actually watched date coaches in action on reality TV shows like Bravo TV’s Millionaire Matchmaker and VH1’s The Pickup Artist. This is even happening locally in the Rockford, Ill., area, with services like Catch Me a Catch offering one-on-one consultations to singles seeking that “special someone.”

Now, I know dating can suck royally for lots of different reasons, but I have serious reservations about paying hundreds of dollars to have some stranger teach me how to talk to a dude a few times to figure out if he’s a total douche bag or if he’s relationship material. In fact, I think I’ve gone on enough dates in my life to offer you at least $50 bucks worth of date coaching right here on this blog. Get your checkbooks ready …

Mika’s Professional Date Coaching Services Basic Guide:

1) How to get a date: Ask someone out. Preferably in person rather than through facebook. Oh, and if they’re already in a relationship, find someone else.

2) Don’t do these things on your first date:

– Tell your date how they compare to your ex.
– Ask your date if he/she can see himself/herself marrying you.
– Tell your date you just wanted to get lucky. Even if you are, you’re more likely to be successful if you’re a little smoother than that.
– Flirt with other people and/or try to get their numbers.
– Reveal really private, intimate details about yourself and/or your past. (So that itch you’ve been having in your no-no-special-place? Yeah, keep that to yourself for now. And see your doctor.)

3) Do some of these things on your first date:

– Ask your date open-ended questions to get to know him/her better.
– Ladies, offer to go Dutch. More than likely your date will tell you they’ve got the bill since it’s the first date, but it looks classy to at least offer.
– Relax. The fate of your existence does not depend on your date liking you.
– Be honest. Your date will find out sooner or later you didn’t actually go to college or you really hate sushi.
– Be yourself. Lying about who you really are is just dumb.

4) Miscellaneous dating tips:

– Hooking up usually doesn’t lead to marriage. And in case you’re not following me, I’m talking about sex. The booty call type.
– Don’t play games. With the exception of Yahtzee and Monopoly. Oh, and Battleship.
– You may love your kids and/or pets, but your date doesn’t know them and really doesn’t care yet, so keep the annoying photos to a minimum. And don’t make them take the phone when you’re talking to them. Dogs are cute, but they’re not the best conversationalists.

Still think you could use a date coach after all of this expert advice I’ve just given you? Catch Me a Catch has donated a two-hour one-on-one coaching session with one of their certified matchmakers to the Rockford Symphony Orchestra‘s Black Magic Ball Auction. Bid on it here through November 7, 2010 — proceeds benefit the RSO, which presents fantastic concerts at the Coronado Performing Arts Center. If you win the date coaching session, don’t share my dating tips with the date coach unless you plan to pay me royalties. Those babies are so good, they’d make even Rex Grossman an MVP.

Love and Hail Marys,

Mika

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~ by Mika Doyle on October 29, 2010.

5 Responses to ““Expert” Tips from IGNITE’s Dating Coach”

  1. This is absolutely my favorite blog you’ve written yet. I’d say these are worth more than $50!!

    I’ll add to the list of don’t dos on a date:

    1. Don’t tell me your eHarmony subscription doesn’t run out for a few months and you’ve got to get your money worth so we can’t date until that’s expired.

    2. Don’t ever end a date in a high five. A kiss goodnight is not always appropriate but a high five surely never is.

    3. Don’t make every single thing you say into a sexual innuendo. I once had a guy tell me he had to go flip the chicken boobs (aka chicken breasts cooking on the grill). I left as soon as possible trying not to gag before I got out of the house.

    4. Subway for every date is not okay.

    5. I’m not driving to your house after bar close so don’t even ask.

    The list could go on and on….

    • Love these! “Chicken boobs” and the high-five are my favorites. I had to stop myself from adding more to the “don’t” list because it really could go on and on.

  2. Caitlin, I knew it was you at “high five”… 🙂 Excellent points, Mika! Can we add:
    1. Don’t tell me you live with your sister. Drop that bombshell when I actually like you and won’t care…
    2. Don’t ask me if I have good credit and if I’d cosign on a motorcycle. In the middle of “happy time.”
    3. Don’t ask me to come over and upon arrival say, “Surprise! Meet my two kids!”
    4. Don’t hold your cell to the car radio and make me listen to your favorite song. I hated that when I was 13. Nothing’s changed.
    5. Don’t quote Bible passages to me. Or make me feel like a bad person because I’m not the “right” religion. p.s. Your religion is not necessarily the “right” religion.

  3. I just have one. Don’t call yourself or tell me you’d like to be my “lover”! haha

  4. Girls, why haven’t we written a book???

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